Pain again and again and then Christmas.....

Just talked to my hubs and I just cried my eyes out. The pain in so deep......I am writing this in hopes that it will help me through it all.  I just told him of my plans to go to California on the train with my Mom . My sister is paying for the tickets.  I feel as if I am letting him down.  I will not be able to go to Mexico for Christmas............I am sad, but I don't want to stay home either.  Then on the flip side I feel as if I'm avoiding the (job/employment) thing just a little bit longer.  Because now I will be going to my sister's home on the 16th and returning on the 31st.  So now no job until January, my favorite month NOT!  I want to move to Mexico to live with my husband maybe I will call on Monday to find out about  a job in Cabo.  I met someone at the timeshare resort I own and he worked there for a couple of years and said he might be able to give me some tips. 

The beautiful Christmas Tree my husband put up for me!

This was our last Christmas together!  2007 was the year.  I had to leave for a week in December for a class for a new job I never took.  When I returned he had put up the tree.  I love flocked trees and he knew it.  My husband is such a sweetie and loved Christmas.  I love his fun loving way....we would always play this playful game together where we would say all the Happy this and that holidays to each other running through all the holidays we could think of: Happy Valentines Day, Happy Presidents Day, Happy Memorial Day, Happy Fourth of July, Happy Anniversary, Happy Birthday,  Happy Labor Day, Happy Holloween, Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year.  Not always in that order mind you.  and not always at the appropriate time of year. Simply random.  I love his playful personality.

 I love that Tree, isn't it pretty!

Our home

Our front yard

Our back porch

Today I spent the day raking leaves and cleaning out the annuals from pots on the back porch!  I love to work in our yard.  I especially like the end result.  My husband loved to work in the yard. He always made the lawn and everything he did look so perfect!  Missing him today as I work in our yard.

Feeling Sad

Juan getting up in our attic, isn't he the cutest!

Here I am again feeling sad.  I miss living life with my husband. I've been thinking of the holidays and not spending them with the one man I love with all my heart.  He is the only sweet loving man I know.  Isn't that sad.  I miss him so much I can't even begin to write it all out on paper how I feel and the empty feeling I have since he has been gone.  I miss so much his love for the turkey dinner at Thanksgiving and the Christmas tree at Christmas time.  We used to sit in the living room with all the lights out in the house and just have the tree lights on and it was so cozy and lovely.  My sister called and wants me to book reservations to come for Christmas to spend the holiday with her and her family.  My Mom and I will probably be going on the train.  I don't know if I am happy about that.  I am worried about the family disfunction that always seems to rear it's head. I sometimes wish I could go into a cave with my husband somewhere. Anyway just needed to vent.

After talking to my sweet love on the phone

I sometimes hate to talk on the phone but it is the only way to connect with my husband anymore.  Well I can connect with him if I buy a ticket to the center of Mexico.  I was feeling the distance between us and feeling so disconnected from him.  I cried alot as I do so easily these days, when we talk.  My poor husband.  I know he is so discouraged and I can hear it in his voice.  I start to think negatively about everything and our future and I don't like it that I can't look at his face and talk to him.  But after talking for a while I could hear the sweetness come back into his voice.  I just pray to God that this experience will not take away or change my husbands sweet sweet heart of gold.  I know that he puts up a wall to protect himself from the pain.  I so wish I could stop the painfulness of this situation for both of us.  Never did I ever expect for us to be in this situation.  I only wanted for us to do the right thing by going to Mexico and getting his papers (permenant residency and green card).  Just think if we hadn't of gone we could still be together and have alot more money in the bank.  My Mom and I  have drained our bank accounts and I am on the verge of losing my home.  I have been following many a bloggers and have learned about the FM3 requirements.  I was very disappointed to learn the financial requirements and that I don't qualify. 

My honey in his home town at a taco restaurant that his niece and husband own.

When I talk to my husband he just says we have to live with it, it is the way it is.  He says just don't think about it!  I try but it is very difficult.  I feel as if my time is being robbed from him and me. 

Very Sad Day Today

I'm so sad today, probably because two weeks ago the lawyer says we are at the end of the road and the US Consulate will not look at any additional evidence, or change anything about the decision regarding the 10 year bar my husband received.:( :(  So Sad the man I love with all of my being is not able to live with me in our home.  This makes me very sad.  I miss him so much and want to fix it and I can't.  I don't think I can move to Mexico because I wouldn't be able to get a FM3 without a income for the last 3 months.  My husband can't even get a job in the area he lives.  So what to do???? I wish I had the answer. Did you ever notice how hard it is to carry on a relationship without being in the same country?  I'm complaining and my poor hubby is the one that got everything taken from him.  He is such a sweet man with a heart of gold, everyone he meets loves him. He is a child magnet all the kids love him.  My niece who is 10 yrs old wrote a paper in class about her uncle and how she misses him.  She made her teacher cry.  Is that sweet or what!  My nieces are twins and they love their uncle Juan so much.  It makes me so sad that they have not seen him in almost 2 years.  Juan is such a gentle soul and I love him so much I love his sweet heart! I miss his sweet heart!  I miss the gentleness that he shows me and the kindness he shows me!

  Very Sad Day part II

My friend is going through a huge trial with her husband.  He has been unfaithful to her yet again!  How sad!  She told me today that she would like to crawl under a rock and not come out for 20 years.  This breaks my heart!  I hope that things will get better as time wounds all heals or wait it is time heals all wounds!  You know what I mean.  I haven't been able to even look at him or speak to him because of what he did to his wife.  He moved out 2 weeks ago after the truth came out about his escapades.

Considering the Big Move

My LOVE

Downtown Manuel Doblado, GTO, Mexico

Just thinking about what it would mean to move to Mexico. I love the thought of being with my husband and getting to see him everyday!  I love so many things about Mexico, the food, the relaxed lifestyle, the weather, the simplicity of the people, my very loving and accepting in-laws, the plant growing weather, the birds, the culture, the beautiful children. I love my husband and miss him so much.  There is so many things I don't like about Mexico also that would be hard to adjust to.  The dust, bugs, concrete floors, bad roads, drug cartel, bad sewage systems, air quality, stinky smells, loud music at all hours of the night, barking dogs and last but not least the fact that I don't speak the language.  Now with all that being said, I'm ready to move.  I just don't know if we can survive financally.  I pray to God that we will have the answers in our hearts.  It is so hard to let go of all my ties to the USA.  This is my home, but, I love my husband and will give it up to be with him.  Each time I go for a visit to Mexico it gets easier to adjust.  The last visit I had with my husband was absolutely the best!!!  Honey I LOVE YOU and the border can't separate our love for each other.